Patty's Weblog Reading Response for my SSR Book
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Rain Forest Entry #2

Comments: 2    

    Problems are occuring in the Amazon which effects a loss of land.  As shown, the rain forest is being taken away by many activities, but 20 percent is mostly done by humans, such as mining.  In fact, mining is also a great cause.  10,000 miners poured all over the area of the rain forest for the exciting discover of gold.
    For a long time, illnesses like malaria, whooping cough, and influenza are since the minors are carrying them back with them.  This affected and even destroyed the villages of the Yanomami people.  Once again, many problems are recently showing up in the Amazon rain forest.      
  Correspondingly, deforestation is one of the largest effects, for example, 3 percent is from the fires, mining, and roads.  Another 3 percent is also for logging.  The highest percent is from the cattle ranching which is 60 percent.  One percent is commercial agriculture, and last, 33 percent for subsistence culitivation.  Although logging is allowed in some areas, still ,80 percent is illegal.   

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brunsmana on May 3, 2006 at 10:09 AM
Patty,
You have great ideas. Please check the sequence of your sentences. Some are not in order. Make sure one sentence leads to the next to improve your sentence fluency. Then make sure there are transitions between sentences and paragraphs.
Thanks,
Mrs. Brunsman

   

brunsmana on May 10, 2006 at 9:44 AM
Patty,
Excellent improvement from your last entry. Great additions of transitions. They make your summary more clear to the reader. The only one that is confusing is... "For a long time..."
2/2 listed the main ideas in the first sentence
2/2 details support the main idea in the first sentence
2/2 supporting details are written in sequence
2/2 summary is brief
2/2 includes facts instead of opinions
2/2 rephrased author�s words
3/3 correct spelling
3/3 complete sentences with varying beginnings
2/3 followed grammar rules
Total: 20/21 points
Excellent work,
Mrs. Brunsman

   

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