They went on vacation.
Comments: 1
It was vacation time
and Daniel S. was prepared for vacation. So Daniel packed his bags and
got in his Ferrari/ submarine. Daniel pushed a button and the car
went into hyper drive and zooms off the docks . His then the car
turned into a submarine. On the way to France he was calling all his
friends, since he hasn’t seen his friends for a year. To come with him
to crash a party. 1 hour later,Room, Daniel zoomed out of the water and
to his hotel to set up for the party. Ding,dong Daniel's friends
were here and they crashed a party.
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brunsmana
on January 10, 2006 at 7:45 PM
Josh,Very creative paragraph. "On the way" and "Ding, dong" are two good ways to vary sentence beginnings. (2 points) However, you probably shouldn't repeat "on the way" since you are trying to vary sentence beginnings. Also, your paragraph should be in all past tense since your topic sentence is past tense. Otherwise, good use of grammar conventions. Why does sentence 5 start with "Room" (1 point) You included one compound sentence but your paragraph lacks one sentence of 5 words or less. (1 point) What does the party have to do with his vacation? I like how you connected the Ferrari to the Submarine and made it clear when it converted. That was a good example of fluency. (1 point)
Keep up the good work,
Mrs. Brunsman
