Sensory Details-Restlessness
Comments: 2
Dingy counters overflowing with scraps of eerily grinding, rusty metal,and floor-piles of grayish wood, broken and creaking under your feet, clutter the dim, musty,old-smelling shack. Paint fumes sneak a cramped feeling from the paint-flecked, shadowy cabinets, and hollowly clanging lockers. A lone, doomed fly buzzes in from a slight crack in a high window, bringing with it a slight, warm breeze that feels sharp against your skin, a stark contrast to the cold aura of metal that lurks here. The abandoned workshed smell of cracked wood and rust leaks up from a filthy cement floor, which is covered in dust that you feel constantly grinding under your feet.
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matthewb
on November 30, 2005 at 1:52 PM
Great way to say it and I got many pictures in my head. You used new words like(aura and stark). Used good verbs like grinding .Words linger in my head like dingy and musty . Great job. 5 out of five
jtubbs
on November 30, 2005 at 1:57 PM
Alexandra,1. Please include a topic sentence.
2. Try not to be TOO descriptive--it is possible to put too many adjectives into one sentence. For example, I think you could break your first sentence into two separate sentences.
Mr. Tubbs