Sensory Details-Restlessness 2
Comments: 1
You stand in a dim, musty smelling shack, silently wishing you could escape this place somehow. Around you, dingy, crusty counters overflow with scraps of eerily grinding, rusty metal. Cluttering the floor, piles of broken, grayish wood creak under your feet. Paint fumes drift a cramped feeling from the paint-flecked cabinets and hollowly clanging lockers. A lone fly buzzes in from a small crack in a high window, bringing with it a slight, warm breeze. The warm wind feels sharp against your skin, a stark contrast to the cold aura of metal that lurks here. The abandoned workshed smell of cracked wood and rust leaks up from a filthy cement floor, covered in sawdust.
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jtubbs
on January 6, 2006 at 11:20 AM
Alexandra, 1. I still think you could have taken out a few adjectives. Too many descriptive adjectives in a sentence hurts the flow of your writing. -0.5
2. Having said that, I still think you did an excellent job describing the photo. Your words create pictures in my mind, your verbs are powerful, and your adjectives specific and precise.
Score: 4.5/5
Mr. Tubbs
